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[23 Jun 2009|01:47am] |
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: looking for a horny girl to give me a cam show
You: I'm a hot horny girl but I get off on intellectual conversation.
Stranger: such as?
You: Oh yeah, tell me your analysis on the Iliad.
You: My pussy's wet just thinking about epic poems.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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[21 Jun 2009|04:12pm] |
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I have once again started to devoting too much time to The Onion.
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[17 Jun 2009|02:36pm] |
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Peter, Bjorn, and John - Paris 2004 |
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Fact: I lost 17 pounds in a week, I just can't tell from where.
My life is very unsettled at the moment. I feel like I've been drawn here by someone who is me but at the same time someone malicious. I'm in my own base killing my own dudes, it's way fucked up. I feel I've been drawn into categories by everyone I know and I have to remind myself and sometimes them that I haven't always been the person I am. My life and my natural responses to everything are built from past experience which, for the most part, were will-less. To break out and do what I feel I ought to do is incredibly difficult, and progress is slow. At least I'm trying but progress isn't quick enough and it's becoming harder and harder to see all failures as transitory and not final. Time moves relentlessly forward and whether or not you give up you keep going until you stop.
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[31 May 2009|09:24am] |
I'm not sure why, but every time I look at people or I catch myself in a conversation I'm occupying myself with looking for signs of aging, new scars, new tics, a look of newfound insecurity or anguish or other turmoil, new freckles or sunburning, moles, hairline recession, a backslide into acne problems, skin dryness, and wrinkles. I wonder what attractive people will look like when they start to lose their looks and I wonder what old people looked like when they were younger and if that's even worth considering for them. I wonder what fat people would look like skinny and what skinny people would look like fat. I wonder if someone that's closing their eyes and taking a deep breath is enjoying the moment or continuing to bury something that's going to climb back up to the surface through neurosis sometime soon. I see people always as somewhere between lamenting their loneliness or desperately trying to bury it by latching onto a significant other. I see moments of fear in peoples' eyes when they stumble through a door of self-awareness and find they can't go back.
Most of the time, for me, it seems like we're all traveling to dementia and death and I'm the only one that's looking for the mile markers.
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[20 May 2009|11:12am] |
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Well shoot me with red matter, my alarm didn't go off this morning.
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[01 May 2009|02:58am] |
I wouldn't mind dying but I'd like to see what happens afterwards.
P.S. I say some things that I wouldn't go so far as to say are quotable but they're definitely things I'd like to remember. Something I said yesterday was "whenever I try and sum up part of a person's personality I just remember their eyes and I realize I've known them since I first met them."
My friend Ben called me empathetic in the midst of a much larger conversation and I've started to put things into context with that word. I can't necessarily tell how someone's feeling but I can put things into context with the flow. I get lost when people become incredibly introspective but as long as I can gather moment to moment evidence I'm pretty dead on. The worst part is that I know how I react and how I betray myself and I'm getting better and better at controlling it, or at least reading when someone recognizes it fast enough to redirect it. This talent, like most, is a double edged sword.
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[02 Apr 2009|12:05am] |
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[01 Apr 2009|09:23am] |
My parents fucked me over. It's always one step forward, two steps back. The more I trudge on, really try and get my shit together, it seems like there's always something there to remind me that no matter how hard I try to get anything I want I can't possibly get it. Every success I've ever had has been something I was never really invested in. For me, investment means failure. I've come to prematurely dash long-term plans that I really want and I'll stay quiet when something I want is contested and just let someone else take it because, hey, I'd just fuck something up that someone else could have really excelled at. Every time I don't go with my gut and I don't pull away it all goes to hell. I create ten times more problems for myself than I would have otherwise had. It just turns into a giant catch-22. The only way I can be happy is to do what I want but whenever I try and get what I really want it makes me unhappier than when I tried. It ends up becoming a choice between disaffected ennui and fiery, anxiety-ridden disappointment.
I feel like I've already died and gone to hell. With the common conception of hell, everything revolves around physical torture. But with physical torture eventually you lose your center of consciousness, and if you don't then hell changes your mental acuity which changes your essence as a human being which means it changes who you are which takes away the whole point of going to hell in the first place. If the subject that commits sin is changed then you're not really torturing the person who committed the sins. However, if a clever fantasy is created that slowly, over the course of a lifetime, draws you down and down with no end in sight, forced to constantly reckon with disappointment, mistakes, and damaging experiences with no real help from the other self-absorbed consciousnesses constantly parading around you, then hell has really done it's job. The sins you commit are the ones that create the torture you have to endure. Eternal damnation is God hitting the reset button every time you die.
And, mostly for Bryan if he doesn't just skip it, when I say sin I'm paraphrasing a larger idea that would make this self-absorbed rant too bulky to ever be comprehensible.
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[01 Apr 2009|12:41am] |
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So it's April Fool's Day I guess, and Adult Swim is showing a heavily edited softcore porn.
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[29 Mar 2009|04:03pm] |
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I was biking home and I saw a fridge with a free sign on it and I thought "Oh shit, look out, the refrigerator's free."
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[17 Mar 2009|04:43pm] |
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Bad Religion - Recipe for Hate |
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I'm officially registered for classes next term. I'm a 23 year old finishing his Associates Degree at a community college, which doesn't irritate me on a self-deprecating level but more on the level that I'm going to be pursuing my education with a bunch of half-retarded children. Fortunately, besides Spanish this Summer, it's the last time I'll ever have to see those half-retarded children.
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[29 Jan 2009|08:15pm] |
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I've been depressed, more depressed than I've been in quite a while, the last week or so. It feels like my mind has been running full speed, non-stop, and today it finally came to a grinding halt. My mind is too fatigued to think anymore.
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[20 Jan 2009|04:22pm] |
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Apparently they sell psychedelic cacti at Home Depot.
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[16 Jan 2009|03:49pm] |
Oh my God, I fucking love Metric. Their songs are really eloquent commentaries on war, love, sex, capitalism, and society.
I like.
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[12 Jan 2009|03:47pm] |
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Ladytron - Beauty*2 |
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Over the years I've become more and more mistrustful of authority, institutions, memes, structure, and other people's supposedly conscious actions and ideas. In a vaguely ironic way this has made me into a very spiritual atheist. Because I try and look at things without the convenient filter of assumed ideas I notice more odd coincidences, group psychic shifts, and overlooked modes of human interaction with each other and nature. A major difference between myself and others is that most other people seem a lot more self-assured. When one buys into the idea of individual primacy they rely on assumed truths to a larger degree. When someone is an individualist and they say "I want that" and then doggedly pursue it they feel entirely justified. That mindset makes me incredibly jealous. I look at myself and others as elements in the ebb and flow of a stream whose intentions and consequences are shrouded. By doing what you want or taking it on yourself to help others or be nice you end up causing as much damage as you would had you pursued the opposite. The world is about arbitrary balances and it's about opportunists and power vacuums. Any step you take in any direction creates a slipstream behind you that sucks something in as you occupy somewhere else.
It's gotten to the point that I miss half of whatever is going on because I'm thinking about half of what no one else is thinking about.
I'm starting a quest to get in shape and it's fucking annoying. If you overlap every way you're supposed to eat and supposed to exercise there's no correct way at all. It's super frustrating.
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[22 Dec 2008|02:03pm] |
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Well, they're finally making Neuromancer. Unfortunately, the production team is indicating that it's going to be complete and utter garbage. At least Uwe Boll isn't directing it, but the director of Britney Spears' music videos is.. Jesusfuckingchrist.
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[12 Dec 2008|04:41pm] |
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Metric - Poster of a Girl |
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It's been really hard to deal with the separation between myself as a subject and myself as an individual lately.
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| A Wikipedia excerpt about Dock Phillip Ellis Jr. |
[08 Nov 2008|04:40pm] |
"No-hitting the San Diego Padres on June 12, 1970 despite being, as he would claim in 1984, under the influence of LSD throughout the course of the game. Ellis had been visiting friends in Los Angeles under the impression he had the day off and was still high when his girlfriend told him he had to pitch a game against the Padres that night. Ellis boarded a shuttle flight to the ballpark and threw a no-hitter despite not being able to feel the ball or clearly see the batter or catcher. Ellis claims catcher Jerry May wore reflective tape on his fingers which helped Ellis to see his target. Ellis walked eight, struck out six, and was aided by excellent fielding plays by second baseman Bill Mazeroski and centerfielder Matty Alou. During the game, Ellis is reported to have commented to his teammates on the bench between innings that he was pitching a no-hitter-- in spite of the superstition that discourages mentioning a no-hitter while it is in progress. Because the no-hitter was the first game of a double header, Ellis was forced to keep track of the pitch count for the night game.
According to Ellis:
'I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria. I was zeroed in on the (catcher's) glove, but I didn't hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn't hit hard and never reached me.'"
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[07 Nov 2008|11:14pm] |
Get your house out of my music.
Sometimes the best place to hide is right out in the open. (things I learned from Where's Waldo)
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