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[09 Dec 2009|02:10pm] |
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I've never heard a description of a coherent dream, no matter how strange, that matches the strangeness of the images produced by my fractured unconscious.
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[27 Oct 2009|12:25pm] |
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I don't believe I've ever had a dream with so much easily interpretable material before.
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[05 Oct 2009|12:38pm] |
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Royksopp - You Don't Have a Clue |
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I submitted a phrase to Urbandictionary.com and it got accepted. The phrase is Fair Weather Player. I think this is pretty cool. My weird, made-up language that closely resembles English is finally being put officially into the illegitimate lexicon.
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[13 Sep 2009|03:20pm] |
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Empire of the Sun - We Are The People |
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I've lost my bag, and although it's a ratty piece of shit it has two of the most important things in my life in it. I hope it turns up. It's been to five states, Burning Man, and it's seen me fail or succeed at almost everything I've done for four or five years now. It's like my sexy black girlfriend who rides on my shoulder.
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[07 Sep 2009|05:11pm] |
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Modest Mouse - Dramamine |
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Depression, anxiety, and fixation are infantilizing. It's difficult feeling like a lesser person because of something I feel I have no control over.
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[31 Aug 2009|04:02pm] |
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The Knife - Pass This On |
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Disney buys Marvel and nerds everywhere stand up and say "well fuck that."
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[29 Aug 2009|04:33am] |
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Tonight I wish I could be numb.
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[05 Aug 2009|02:35pm] |
OH HELLO LADIES
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[02 Aug 2009|03:27pm] |
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music |
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The Knife - Heartbeats |
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I had a very very good night on Friday. It would appear that that is the last good night I may have for quite a while.
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[18 Jul 2009|01:51pm] |
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I think alcohol is a pretty cool guy. Eh makes me act irrationally and doesn't afraid of anything.
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| Ready for takeoff. |
[17 Jul 2009|04:49pm] |
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music |
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Basshunter - Boten Anna |
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I've reached the end of this phase of my life and unless I take a leap of faith I'll stagnate. More than any other time in my life am I aware of the impasse I'm at and the jump I have to take if I ever want to approach what I feel I ought to be.
After I finish Lost.
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[23 Jun 2009|01:47am] |
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: looking for a horny girl to give me a cam show
You: I'm a hot horny girl but I get off on intellectual conversation.
Stranger: such as?
You: Oh yeah, tell me your analysis on the Iliad.
You: My pussy's wet just thinking about epic poems.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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[21 Jun 2009|04:12pm] |
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I have once again started to devoting too much time to The Onion.
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[17 Jun 2009|02:36pm] |
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Peter, Bjorn, and John - Paris 2004 |
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Fact: I lost 17 pounds in a week, I just can't tell from where.
My life is very unsettled at the moment. I feel like I've been drawn here by someone who is me but at the same time someone malicious. I'm in my own base killing my own dudes, it's way fucked up. I feel I've been drawn into categories by everyone I know and I have to remind myself and sometimes them that I haven't always been the person I am. My life and my natural responses to everything are built from past experience which, for the most part, were will-less. To break out and do what I feel I ought to do is incredibly difficult, and progress is slow. At least I'm trying but progress isn't quick enough and it's becoming harder and harder to see all failures as transitory and not final. Time moves relentlessly forward and whether or not you give up you keep going until you stop.
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[31 May 2009|09:24am] |
I'm not sure why, but every time I look at people or I catch myself in a conversation I'm occupying myself with looking for signs of aging, new scars, new tics, a look of newfound insecurity or anguish or other turmoil, new freckles or sunburning, moles, hairline recession, a backslide into acne problems, skin dryness, and wrinkles. I wonder what attractive people will look like when they start to lose their looks and I wonder what old people looked like when they were younger and if that's even worth considering for them. I wonder what fat people would look like skinny and what skinny people would look like fat. I wonder if someone that's closing their eyes and taking a deep breath is enjoying the moment or continuing to bury something that's going to climb back up to the surface through neurosis sometime soon. I see people always as somewhere between lamenting their loneliness or desperately trying to bury it by latching onto a significant other. I see moments of fear in peoples' eyes when they stumble through a door of self-awareness and find they can't go back.
Most of the time, for me, it seems like we're all traveling to dementia and death and I'm the only one that's looking for the mile markers.
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[20 May 2009|11:12am] |
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Well shoot me with red matter, my alarm didn't go off this morning.
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[01 May 2009|02:58am] |
I wouldn't mind dying but I'd like to see what happens afterwards.
P.S. I say some things that I wouldn't go so far as to say are quotable but they're definitely things I'd like to remember. Something I said yesterday was "whenever I try and sum up part of a person's personality I just remember their eyes and I realize I've known them since I first met them."
My friend Ben called me empathetic in the midst of a much larger conversation and I've started to put things into context with that word. I can't necessarily tell how someone's feeling but I can put things into context with the flow. I get lost when people become incredibly introspective but as long as I can gather moment to moment evidence I'm pretty dead on. The worst part is that I know how I react and how I betray myself and I'm getting better and better at controlling it, or at least reading when someone recognizes it fast enough to redirect it. This talent, like most, is a double edged sword.
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[02 Apr 2009|12:05am] |
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[01 Apr 2009|09:23am] |
My parents fucked me over. It's always one step forward, two steps back. The more I trudge on, really try and get my shit together, it seems like there's always something there to remind me that no matter how hard I try to get anything I want I can't possibly get it. Every success I've ever had has been something I was never really invested in. For me, investment means failure. I've come to prematurely dash long-term plans that I really want and I'll stay quiet when something I want is contested and just let someone else take it because, hey, I'd just fuck something up that someone else could have really excelled at. Every time I don't go with my gut and I don't pull away it all goes to hell. I create ten times more problems for myself than I would have otherwise had. It just turns into a giant catch-22. The only way I can be happy is to do what I want but whenever I try and get what I really want it makes me unhappier than when I tried. It ends up becoming a choice between disaffected ennui and fiery, anxiety-ridden disappointment.
I feel like I've already died and gone to hell. With the common conception of hell, everything revolves around physical torture. But with physical torture eventually you lose your center of consciousness, and if you don't then hell changes your mental acuity which changes your essence as a human being which means it changes who you are which takes away the whole point of going to hell in the first place. If the subject that commits sin is changed then you're not really torturing the person who committed the sins. However, if a clever fantasy is created that slowly, over the course of a lifetime, draws you down and down with no end in sight, forced to constantly reckon with disappointment, mistakes, and damaging experiences with no real help from the other self-absorbed consciousnesses constantly parading around you, then hell has really done it's job. The sins you commit are the ones that create the torture you have to endure. Eternal damnation is God hitting the reset button every time you die.
And, mostly for Bryan if he doesn't just skip it, when I say sin I'm paraphrasing a larger idea that would make this self-absorbed rant too bulky to ever be comprehensible.
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dead_eye_dallas's journal
